When to fight and when to walk away
Fights are stupid and pointless, unless they aren’t. The trick is to know when getting into a fight with the dipshit next to you at the bar is worth it, and when it’s a pointless ticket to coma-town. I’ve only regretted de-escalating a couple of times, and I’ve never regretted a fight. That’s not because fighting is better than de-escalating; it’s because I’ve always erred on the side of the latter. Only idiots and the kind of cunt who thinks face tattoos are cool err on the side of a bar brawl. Life ain’t a movie, and as every boxer, paramedic and ER doctor will tell you, you’re never more than one punch away from a bad time. So how do you know when it’s worth it anyway? 1
“Don’t be the hardest man in the graveyard”
It’s easy: all you have to do is ask yourself: “Will I regret not potentially getting stabbed and then having my teeth kicked in a week from now?” Unless you’re an idiot, the answer will be a resounding “no” about nine times out of ten. 2 But there are times when someone goes so far across the line that the answer will be yes. Trouble is, those people are always (and I do mean always) going to be the kind of coked-up meth head who’s never had a fair fight in their life, and who will pull a knife on you. So, if the answer is yes, do a double take and make absolutely sure it’s worth getting stabbed over. Being the hardest man in the graveyard isn’t nearly as glamorous as you might think after a bottle of scotch. Now, having said that, if there’s no way out of this mess, here’s what you’ll do.
“With a gentleman I’m a gentleman and a half, and with a pirate, a pirate and a half.”
If you’re going to have to fight a cunt, be a cunt. This isn’t the smoking shed behind your school, and you’re not going to be best friends tomorrow. Your job is to make sure you stay alive and that you can live with yourself afterwards. That means you don’t want to kill anyone, and you want the fight to be over before it becomes a fight, so you’re going to fight dirty. Here’s how.
“Dispense with the macho bullshit. You’re not Reacher.”
Remember when I made you take boxing classes? That was to toughen you up and teach you about male bonding—not so you could show off your fancy footwork to some asshole. What you’re going to do now is knock him out as quickly and cleanly as possible. Ideally while he’s still telling you all the ways he’s going to fuck you up. None of that macho “you wanna take this outside?” bullshit for you. Just hit him. Hard. Do whatever it takes to end this as quickly and cleanly as possible. That makes it less likely that you’ll die, that he’ll die, and that anyone else will make a mess. And everyone else will try to make a mess.
“Don’t look like the asshole.”
Bystanders suck, and the longer a fight goes on, the greater the risk of either of you getting severely injured. Some people advocate grappling. Those people are idiots. If you start choking some asshole in a bar, everyone’s going to think you’re the bad guy. If you start boxing with some asshole in a bar, everyone’s going to think it was a mutual fight. 3 So, you want to end it before it begins.
Get clear
Some people think you should hang around after you’ve knocked someone out, explain yourself to the police, and otherwise make sure the guy is OK. I am not one of those people. It’s a universal law of nature that assholes—somehow—have friends. And they’re always the same kind of asshole. So, get out and get clear. Politely excuse yourself, and head for the door before the asshole’s friends can go after you. Some helpful bystander will already have called the police or an ambulance, or checked that the guy is OK. You’re not contributing anything by hanging around right now. And then, you’re going to do exactly as I say.
It’s time to call your uncle (or any other competent lawyer)
If you think there’s even the slightest chance that you’ve caused serious injury to someone, call a good lawyer. 4Once you’ve got one, don’t lie to him. Explain what happened, and your reasoning for getting into the altercation, and then do as he says. If he wants you to turn yourself in, do that. If he tells you to wait and see what happens, do that.
Consider getting a facial tattoo instead.
And remember, this is for those rare situations when you don’t really have a choice. Don’t be an idiot. Getting into bar fights proves nothing. Get facial tattoos instead. Think that’ll make you look stupid? So will getting your teeth kicked in during a bar fight. Idiot.
– Dad
Usually somewhere between a bad migraine, tooth loss, a coma or death. And no, the dentist won’t care who was in the right when the asshole who picked the fight lacks the money to pay for your new tooth.
↩If you’re thinking to yourself: “Aha! But I’ll pull out my knife / gun / buzz saw,” we’re going to need to have a longer conversation. This ain’t a movie. Prisons are real. And so is prison rape.
↩And if you’re involved in a knife fight… you know what I’m going to say.
↩Don’t skimp on your lawyer. If you can’t afford a good lawyer, you can’t afford to stand up to assholes at bars. See “Are you absolutely sure it’s worth it?”
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