Everything a man needs to know about grooming products

Grooming’s a generational thing, and everyone’s done it wrong. Old men smell like urine cakes, dried skin, and alcohol; middle-aged men think a bit of deodorant, moisturiser, and balm will somehow turn them into a tutu-wearing fairy; and the only reason young guys use spray-on deodorant is because no one’s figured out how to make an antiperspirant hand grenade. Now, the trick to grooming as a man is to be clean and smell pleasant without coming off as a flaming homosexual ¹. So, how does a man strike this delicate balance?

“Repeat after me: Soap is not cologne.”

At some point, some clever asshole figured he’d take soap, a product we’d used for thousands of years, and ruin it. The result was electric blue, sports-scented shower gel ². Scented shower gels are terrible unless you’re looking for a way to take a chemical bath: they dry out your skin, they leave you smelling like a chemical plant, and personally, I’d rather shower with a raccoon than xenoestrogens. Soap should be unscented and free of both colorants and parabens. What you want is the stuff marketed towards asthmatic babies with full-body allergies³–I like the liquid type; Grandpa preferred the bar type. Now that we’ve cleared up the soap situation, let’s look at other stuff.

Do you have hair? Use conditioner and shampoo sparingly.

This might shock you, but if you have hair, you should use conditioner. Conditioner isn’t “gay”; it’s to shampoo what hand soap is to sand soap. Yes, sand soap’s great for the garage⁴, but I don’t use it after every piss. Use conditioner every day; use shampoo when your hair is actually dirty. Otherwise, the same rules apply here as for soap. Get the kind made for asthmatic babies with full-body allergies, and enjoy your hair while you have it. As for application: don’t fill your whole palm. Shampoo and conditioner are both to be applied sparingly. For shampoo, use a couple of teaspoons. For conditioner, a dime-to-quarter-sized dollop. And remember, you’ll go bald soon enough.

Do you have a face? Clean it.

There’s a reason my grandma always told my dad to wash his face before dinner. If you’re going to sit opposite someone, you’re going to be looking at their face ⁵, and if that face looks like it’s covered in boils, it’ll spoil dinner for everyone. A clean face is a good-looking face ⁶. To keep your face clean, you have to wash it. But faces are tricky bastards. Some, like my manly mug, don’t mind a daily wash with liquid shower soap marketed towards asthmatic babies with full-body allergies; others want a gentle cleaning every other day using the special face soap marketed towards asthmatic babies with full-body allergies. You’ll just have to experiment with this one. If you’re in the latter category, splash water on your face morning and evening.

Skin.

Skin is just leather, and no man worth his salt lets leather dry out and crack. Keep your skin moist and supple; that way, it can take a beating and keep going. Vaseline makes the best all-purpose moisturiser. Good old petroleum jelly will do wonders for your lips, and I’ve known more than one tradesman who kept a family-sized bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care Sensitive Skin Relief by the sink ⁷. Back when I liked to weld with goggles instead of a mask, I even dabbed some Intensive Care on my face, but generally, I’d recommend against it. It’s just too greasy. For your face, you need something lighter. I like CeraVe Moisturising Lotion. It comes in a big white bottle with a blue label.

Shaving

If you’re a man, you’re going to have to shave. Even bearded men like me have to shave. So, you might as well do it right. Hipsters brought back the safety razor (excellent), the shaving soap dish (I never saw the point), and the badger brush (dangerously close to a facial). If you want to spend two hours giving yourself a shave, be my guest. Otherwise, here’s what works. Use a safety razor; it’s cheaper and better for your face–get the jumbo pack of green Derby blades made in Turkey, and keep a Gillette razor for travelling. Speaking of shaving, there’s nothing wrong with canned foam. It’s convenient, it’s quick, and if you think it’s too expensive, you need a new job. Get the kind marketed towards asthmatic babies with full-body allergies; it’s no worse than the artisanal kind.

Deodorant

There’s only one type of deodorant worth using. Antiperspirant. Get the unperfumed kind marketed towards asthmatic babies with full-body allergies and apply before bedtime. There’s nothing more to say, really. Don’t worry, you’ll get your scent from cologne.

Cologne!

Every man should own exactly one cologne. It should be applied sparingly, not induce migraines in the people around him, and be appropriate no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Pass on the stuff sold at the dollar store, drugstore, airport, and parmaci, and grab something from a barbershop. Get a classic scent–but not something everyone else uses–and don’t skimp. A good bottle of cologne, applied correctly⁸, will last you at least a year, so spend some money.

Everything else

I might’ve forgotten something (for Beard Balm see this article). But I’ve already spent more time talking about grooming than I ever thought possible. Actually, this is the second time I’ve thought seriously about the subject. The first was when you were born, and I tossed out everything in the bathroom because I was afraid you’d become allergic to dogs if I used the wrong shampoo. Best grooming decision I ever made. Which brings me to the final piece of advice. This should cover everything I haven’t already covered. When in doubt, buy the stuff marketed towards asthmatic babies with full-body allergies.

1. I take offence at the flaming part. Your sexuality should be incidental, not your identity. Smelling like tulips is the homosexual equivalent of refusing to shower because it’s “gay”.

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2. What kind of fruitcake wants to smell like a locker room?! And why is it the colour of a freshly squeezed smurf?!

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3. I’m not joking.

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4. While you’re out shopping, pick up some sand soap for the garage. It also works wonders when you’ve had to unclog the toilet.

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5. More about your generation’s infuriating refusal to look people in the eyes later

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6. Pay attention: no one’s gonna want to kiss your pimply, oily mug.

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7. If you want to know what soaps will strip oil or which lotions will repair skin, don’t ask a pharmacist; look for a mechanic or mason without eczema and ask what they use.

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8. One to three sprays directed at your chest. Err on the side of less.

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